I am not a Twilight fan. In fact, I went to see Twilight with LL and it was the single most horrible movie I had ever seen. You remember the scene where Edward and Bella are all golden glittery holding hands in a meadow full of lilacs? I was cracking up thinking, people like this? I have never had that much dramatic music erupt while I was holding anyone’s hand, not even MB when I was 18.

But given the great divide between my feelings about Twilight and, I don’t know, the rest of the world’s, I have taken it upon myself to at least try to understand it even though I have been opposed to reading (watching) anything written on an 8th grade comprehension level since I was in the 4th grade.  Thus my struggle with the Twilight series.

Truth be told, I am not quite sure which part of Twilight is more uncomfortable to me: Bella’s vapid droolish-ness, Edwards horrible lipstick job or the fact that grown women squeal over Jacob’s jail bait six-pack, which is why KR was surprised when I said we should go to opening night of Breaking Dawn – Part One last night. I am sure she was thinking — is this going to be yet another moment where my best friend acts like a total snob and robs me of any enjoyment I might get at this experience?

I am proud to say that I did not. We actually had a good time. We stood in line for about 30 minutes before we could go into the theatre, we had Twilight photo booth pictures taken, we uploaded our excitement on Facebook. Yes, we channeled our inner tween and it was surprisingly fun.

But how was the movie? (spoilers hereafter)

Well, as usual, the script was horrible, the acting was as horrible,  and the costumes (save Bella’s wedding dress) were awkward. However, the architecture was fantastic (can I have the Cullen’s house? can I stay in my own beach house near Rio?), the cinematography was beautiful and, I have to say it, they truly made Kristen Stewart look like a dying zombie which was fantastic!

Yes, but how was the movie?

I hate to admit this but the movie could have been great if the script were better. The story is actually really good but why can’t the characters talk like normal people? In so many shows we encounter teenage kids who talk and think like adults and here are some grown kids who talk and think like 13 year olds. It weirds me out. I just can’t relate at all. My overly intellectual verbose friends just weren’t that way at 18 years old. We had dreams and goals and delusions of grandeur. KR and I were dreaming of NYC, for heaven’t sake.

Which makes me ask — why does no one in Twilight have any goals? Jacob when are you going to step up and take over the pack?  (maybe that is in the next installment?) Bella, what do you want to be when you grow up? (Silence)

And so it seems a shame that Twilight is an overproduced fairy tale, Bella – vulnerable and naive – choosing between two Prince Charmings and waiting to get married.

This should make us all cringe, ladies and gentlemen.

And so the biggest conflict in the whole movie revolves around whether she can have a baby and whether that baby will remind Edward of her. Not the fact that the baby would be a new form of vampire that could unite the dead and the undead and her sacrifice would bring about a change in the thousands of years of conflict? Nope, instead we worry about what the baby’s name is going to be.  (again perhaps different in the book?)

So, I’m telling you, I liked the story line, I really did. I loved the delicious filming of the forests and flowers and waterfalls. I just don’t know why there can’t be even a little bit of emotional intimacy. I want to like Bella, I really do. I want to like Edward because I would like to have him as a husband whisking me all over the world as a surprise, in a private jet, in a motor boat, etc. Jacob is the only character who seems to reasonable (though childish) at all yet I feel guilty even looking at him because – note earlier – I could go to jail.

If you’re thinking, damn, she thinks too much. She should just enjoy a silly movie and move on. First, you would not be the first person to tell me this. Second, I did. I got to hang out all night with my best friend watching a movie that didn’t cause us to think at all about our complicated lives. Did I gag through about 40% of it and did she give me the look when my gags were too audible? Yes.

But, in general, I’m glad I went. It reminds me that perhaps I have more fun when I focus less on being “smart” and more on being what I seem to rudely criticize as “stupid.”  Perhaps a dip in the IQ level did me some good.

Check out Breaking Dawn and tell me what you think.